OBAMA, GADDAFI AND MUSEVENI.

I have learnt in Life that there is no perfect human being or a perfect curve to success. After being given computer science at Makerere University years after polio had been kicked out of Uganda, I had it in my mind that I could become the best computer scientist [read Hacker] in Uganda, I started teaching myself code and in the process landed on “Sams Teach Yourself C++ in 21 Days”, It was never that easy as the tittle suggested because I went close to 100 days before I could write some meaningful code besides the usual “HELLO WORLD”. First forward to months after graduation, Having spent millions paying tuition, I expected to get a job that would pay me money equivalent/greater than the tuition figures that we were paying, that’s when reality started kicking in, Jobs were nowhere to be seen and I became comfortable with any job that would pay me something that I could use to put food in my stomach.

The message that was told to us on our graduation day started popping up [Go out and be Job creators, not Job seekers], With Zero capital, the message seemed to be mocking me instead but I decided not to give up. “You can get almost every answer to anything you ask on the internet” that’s what one of my lectures used to say.  To save on the limited money I had with me, I walked from Natete to Makerere [to access free internet rather than pay in a cafe] and on getting access to CIT Labs, I asked ‘Jajja’ Google  “How do I get rich without capital?”,  The various articles that Google provided gave me some hope, I read articles of ‘How to be a millionaire in 100 days’ and I even started talking to my own self about the things I would do after becoming a millionaire in  100 days. I recall it’s during this period that I read stories of how Katumwa [of Katumwa Sports Center] became rich from selling stockings in ‘Owino’.

With all ideas being gotten from the world wide web of how to become rich in 100 days, the midfielders in my stomach weren’t interested and started complaining that besides saliva, I hadn’t given them something to eat for a long time [stomach rumblings]. I slowly walked to Wandegeya in search for Kikomando [beans and chapati]. I noticed some wise Ugandans had taken advantage of the OBAMA wave [Yes we can higi haga] and created OBAMA CHAPATI TAKEAWAY [they were spiced fine I must admit], they packed chapatis in paper bags customized with the ‘‘OBAMA SMART TAKEAWAY’’ trademark on them and they were making abnormal sales as compared to other chapati sellers. A few minutes after finishing my Kikomando, I got a call from my sister so I had to head to town. In town, I bumped into lads with a mobile craven van selling chapatis in paper bags with ‘’GADDAFI QUALITY CHAPATI’’ inscribed on them, they were also making unusual sales based on the lines of customers I saw.

OBAMA

Obama and Gaddafi Chapati paper bags

This is when the “Become a millionaire in 100 days” tried making sense, like the prior articles had suggested, once you see a ripe business venture, take it up. This was it, I could see myself making money from abnormal sales too, I called upon my buddy Kakeeto and together we ventured into business, we got a simple loan and bought all the things required to make chapatis. Since he already had a customer base, we hired our local Kikomando lad IVAN [told him to channel his clients] and our trademark ‘MUSEVENI DELICIOUS CHAPATI’ kicked off at exactly 6pm in the simple room with outside sitting space that we had rented. 8pm and IVAN had already baked 100 chapatis with no single sale. All his usual customers seemed to repel him like they had seen the Bachwezi playing hide and seek. “Maybe we should reduce on the price, these people are used to UGX 500 chapatis” Kakeeto tried to console me. We reduced the price from UGX1, 000 to UGX 500 and by 9pm, we still had zero sales.

At around 10pm, a Kato Lubwama look alike came to the stand.  We saw IVAN getting him 3 chapatis and before we could thank him for the support, another young man came through and IVAN gave him 5 chapatis, we started smiling because it all looked like our good luck had opened up. With me being the accountant, I asked IVAN for the money and that’s when it hit us harder. “abo ba lejjula bange mba’wola ne bansasula eda”[those are my regular customers, I always give them on credit and they pay later], I immediately told IVAN to stop baking and we close the business till the next day, we each got 3 chapatis[supper] and headed home. The next day we tried hawking but the results remained constant. The only option left was to remove the ‘’MUSEVENI DELICIOUS CHAPATI’’ signs and make sales like other regular chapatti lads [which seemed to work for our old stock], we sold a few chapatis but couldn’t manage paying IVAN’s salary and rent so business had to be closed.

The “Become a millionaire in 100 days” turned into “100 ways to run from your creditors” when the time for paying back the soft loan reached. We varnished from the grid just like how the Bachwezi disappeared in tongues. IVAN called and informed us that someone had done a ‘UPDF-KONY’ like skit on us [they captured our saucepans, Jerrycans, charcoal stove and plates] and we could only get them back if we cleared our simple loan.

From that day, I learnt a few things;

  • To become an entrepreneur, capital is needed and if you don’t have it, it can be gotten from being employed [job seeker] for some time.
  • Don’t believe all the stories fed to you by overnight billionaires/millionaires of how they became rich by starting with UGX 50 capital.
  • Business brands [read names] MATTER.
  • You might copy someone’s idea but you might not have the necessary skills required to drive it forward.
  • When you get a loan from someone, PAY UP.

Until then, the Kakeeto series continue @andsjeff

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The ‘Great Trek’ For CONDOMS

All of us have gone through what is called the adolescence stage in Life, If you haven’t yet passed through that stage, my brother/sister I have a message for you, the ‘Pendulum Bob’ and ‘Bunsen Burner’ of your body have an Error404.

Some people consider that stage to be the most delicate stage in one’s life, to me and my buddy Kakeeto, it was the stage where we became village champions, in an era where knowing the lyrics of an English song, balancing ignorance [read wearing sagging trousers], having a Nintendo Game-boy and wearing faded jeans elevated you to the ‘Woke’ status, Life became interesting whenever we had end of Holiday bash parties, unlike kids of these days who have end of handing in coursework beach parties,  these were parties where all holiday makers came to have fun before school resumed, at around 4 pm we set off all swagged up walking like we had bouncing castles in our shoes, we arrived at the venue dressed like the cool kids of those days [50 Cent Jeans, Bandanna’s on the head and yellow boots –timberlands-], luck was really on our side, we found the DJ playing  Eminem’s  The Real Slim Shady and off we went  “…..I’m Slim Shady, yes, I’m the real Shady all you other slim shadys are just imitating so won’t the real slim shady please stand up please stand up, please stand up?…”  I would be lying if I told you that we sang beyond those lines, in fact if someone paid attention to what we sang after those lines; they would mistake us for being pastors because the rest of the singing was in ‘tongues’.

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Me and my Boys were like this ‘Homie’ swagging around.

The dance moves that my buddies always copied from music videos on Sanyu TV made them look more cool whenever we hit the dance floor though when it came to me, all my dancing skills had gone with the Bachwezi to wherever they disappeared too, the only dance type I knew was rubbing[read squeezing ], reason why I liked Sean Paul music back then, being the shy lads when it came to approaching ladies back then, we were blessed when Jacky our schoolmate happened to join in with her group of ‘bubirds’ [well we used to call them so back then], Among the ‘bubirds’ that came along, I happened to get interested in Cathy, she was cool and made my blood boil, she was a good dancer but my vibe was really in negative so I ended at optical nutrition. I can’t say the same with my buddy Kakeeto, his vibe was on another level, besides the dancing, Kakeeto had gotten his first kiss and set up a date with Carol [Jacky’s friend], curfew time approached and we had to start the great trek back home, After the kiss incident, Kakeeto went three days minus brushing his teeth.

Kakeeto went ahead to date with carol and after four days, they agreed to meet and have coitus, this is when all the adolescent hormones kicked in, apart from  seeing dogs, ducks and rabbits mating, the only sex scenes we had seen were the half sex scenes we saw in movies, instead of being happy that he was going to have coitus, my man was more scared because it was going to be his first time to have coitus.  Where to have it from was not a problem, besides being scared there was another problem of getting condoms, at our young age, getting condoms was like searching for who killed captain Alex.

On the agreed day for coitus, the hustle begun, From the little savings we had, we devised a way of getting condoms; Mama Sarah’s shop was the right destination because her young son[easy to ask condoms from him] was always a makeshift/backup shop attendant, it was not safe to ask for condoms If mama Sarah was the one in the shop as information would flow back to our parents at  a speed of 360 Usain Bolt/Second, we reached at the shop and booooommm John was the one attending to the shop, Kakeeto reached for his pockets and called John to come closer so that he would whisper in his ears what he wanted to buy, “John, mpulide  omuntu akuyita, ayagala kyi?[John I have heard someone calling you, what does he want?]” said Mama Sarah as she moved from the back section of her shop.  By this time, Kakeeto was sweating and I was on ‘get set’ to run away, the option of buying things that we didn’t want was out of the way, Kakeeto was fast to plan and in a harsh voice was like “Mama Sarah olina coccidiosis juice?”  To which she replied “simulina gezaka ewa Ssalongo” [I don’t have the coccodiosis juice, try ssalongos shop], It was on that day that I realized Kakeeto had some ‘brains’ in him.

Coitus O’clock was fast approaching and we hadn’t yet purchased the guards [read condoms], since most guys knew us in the home area, the only plan left was for us to buy condoms from a place where no one knew us, we moved like around 6 Km to the next town center and got the courage to ask shop attendants for condoms [I don’t know uncle Bernard, but Kakeeto when asked if they were ours, Kakeeto said they were for uncle Bernard].

Fast forward to the coitus hour, I was to act as the gate keeper looking out in case Kakeeto’s parents returned, one minute after locking the door, my buddy came out and was like “Gwe Jeff, How do they put on a condom?”, I looked at the fella and I was like read the papers in the box, they have instructions.  I went back to my gate duties and after one minute again, Kakeeto came back and he was like “Jeff these condoms don’t fit, I think we bought the wrong size, they are just falling off”, I looked confused like I had seen bazungu playing dulu, I had never put on a condom myself and my buddy was asking me questions from left, right and center.  I told the lad that he should just wear and do the job or call it quits; he Later came back this time because he had failed to see where to put his penis, Poor lad was asking a fellow ‘Blank Slave’ in the field of sex for advise, I could see him looking terrified and nervous, when he went back in, four minutes later he came out with Carol  and they all looked Jolly, seemed like they had finally done it.

After the coitus, Kakeeto was always on our necks bragging how we were youngins, After two days, I got tired of his bragging and told him that Carol was pregnant, Kakeeto disappeared from the grid for four straight days, his parents thought he had been abducted, He only came back towards the day of reporting back to school after realizing that I had pranked him.  From that day, I learnt a few things;

  1. Always use protection.
  2. Don’t be shy when asking for condoms from a shop attendant.
  3. In case you don’t use condoms, always take responsibility of whatever happens after.

Until then, the Kakeeto series continue…..

Twitter: @andsjeff

 

THE ONLY OBs IN KAMPALA

High school is one of the best stages of the academic cycle, you get to meet a lot of friends and get to do all the crazy things while at school [at times during holidays], there is that time when you’re done with your final exam and you all get to depart different ways with hope of meeting each other at university level, Those who went through fancy schools normally have a higher chance of meeting each other again whereas us who went through the ‘not-fancy’ schools, the chance of meeting each other is equivalent to the probability of Museveni handing over power to Besigye without an election.  Well I am glad that me and my buddy Kakeeto remained friends even after high school.

It was one of those weekends when my buddy Kakeeto was super loaded; “By the way Jeff, Eats and Drinks on me today” is the best statement I have ever heard come out of Kakeeto’s mouth.  At around 6pm, we hit the road and within thirty minutes we had already reached our final destination [read bar], As we moved around looking for a spot to sit, Kakeeto tapped on my shoulder while shouting “Wakalya laba mama nze ehh”   I was about to take off at 180 Usain bolt/sec  then Kakeeto pointed towards a table nearby.  You see after years of searching but in vain, I and Kakeeto had come to the conclusion that we were the only OBs from Wakyitaka S.S to have made it to Kampala but after taking a closer look at the people seated at the table, it was our OB Ssekidde seated with three pretty ladies, I couldn’t believe that I had finally seen an OB from a school even Google Maps can’t locate.  Seeing free seats, we decided to go sit with ‘him’ [Who am I lying too? Seeing the three pretty Ladies, We decided to go sit with him], Ssekidde couldn’t believe that he was seeing me and Kakeeto, He introduced us to the pretty ladies and Jazzing begun.

I can tell you that people really do change, in high school it was a miracle seeing Ssekidde speaking to a lady but here was he seated like a Hajji talking word after word faster than Andrew Mwenda in a Higi Haga situation, Kakeeto whispered to me of how he had gotten interest in one of Ssekidde’s pretty friends and wanted me to play as a wing-man, Knowing that Kakeeto was in ‘Sudhir’ mode, I called the waitress and Kakeeto was like “Bring us a Club Beer, a Guinness and ask the rest what they want to drink or eat”, after a few rounds we all started getting tipsy, Kakeeto seemed to have hit a Jackpot when the DJ played ‘Bruck Off Yuh Back’ by Konshens, one of the ladies challenged him to a ‘get down’ dance and judging from Ssekidde’s facial expression, he seemed not to be happy and settled seeing Kakeeto dance with her. When Kakeeto became cozy with the Lady, Ssekidde tried playing a ‘Sudhir’ but in reality he was a ‘Church Mouse’ in Sudhir’s house [he had a limited budget], the ladies were now more interested in the conversations we were bringing up compared to what Ssekidde could come up with.  To us, the Night was going on well but to our found OB, the night was not moving on as planned, one of the Ladies later told me that Ssekidde was interested in [Sheila] the lady who gave Kakeeto a ‘get down’ dance but was too shy to let her know, I started sensing that Error404 was about to happen.

The DJ Played ‘Snake’ by R.kelly, that’s when everything changed, Ssekidde was back in play, he was like “Gwe Jeff!! Remember when we used to Jaba on that song?”  And before I could reply, He turned to Kakeeto and was like “Kakeeto wa’kubanga Jaba but you were too small man, but now I can see you visited the gym. Hope your brain also grew bigger kuba you were too stupid in class back then” Kakeeto laughed it off because somehow he had noticed that Ssekidde was pissed, I tried changing the subject but when the waitress brought the food we had earlier ordered, Ssekidde went back to high school storytelling, He was like “Gwe Kakeeto there is no double dealing of food here like you used to do in high school”,  This time all the Ladies laughed, Ssekidde  was all smiles like he had won a gold medal in making the ladies smile, he continued bringing up different stories and I could see the ladies smiling often.  Deep down I knew Kakeeto was hurting but opportunity indeed comes once in a life time, Joan [one of the Ladies] was like “You guys, you mean Ssekidde did nothing funny in high school?”, at that moment, Ssekidde who was talking like bullets went silent like he had seen the Bachwezi playing Omweso, Kakeeto looked at Ssekidde and in a harsh but soft voice asked “Do you still urinate on your bed like you used to do in high school?”.  The ladies laughed hard while Ssekidde went silent like he had become dumb, seconds later, we were watching a Kakeeto vs. Ssekidde fight, Bouncers came and stopped the fight and they were all thrown out of the bar.

It was now me and the three pretty Ladies but there was no way I could continue the night if my ‘Sudhir’ wasn’t around to ‘bless’ me with drinks, Together with the Ladies, We talked to the bouncers and after UGX20, 000 worth negotiations, they asked us to decide between Ssekidde and Kakeeto who they should let in back into the bar.  I was surprised that we all voted Kakeeto [but again he was blessing], The party continued and I can tell you that we had the best night ever. As for our OB, the last time I heard from him was on Facebook when he updated his status saying “Baganda Bange Tugende Tukole, Bano abawala ba Facebook Bagala Alina” [seems he had met the pretty ladies off Facebook].

From that day on, I learnt a few things;

  • Never undermine your friend because you want to attract attention from the opposite sex.
  • Some old memories don’t deserve to be brought up when you meet an old friend.
  • Once in a while, Go out and hang with Family & Friends.
  • If you Love someone, don’t fear telling them that you do else someone else will tell them.
  • Women [Womyn] have the Strength to make Men weak.

Thanks for reading, until next time, the Kakeeto Stories Continue.

Don’t forget the #5AsideLeague Season two returns on 25th September 2016.

Twitter: @andsjeff

I NOW HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

Well today let me start by greeting you all, I thought I would never write again given the political season where people were starting to turn into Bachwezi [read disappearing in tongues], Greetings and Blessings in whatever you do my learned and unlearned friends, thank you for always reading the Kakeeto stories [for the true Baganda ladies from Masaka reading this, I hope you aren’t kneeling down right now sending back your greetings, You see I once saw a lady in Masaka kneeling at an ATM after withdrawing money saying “Webaale nyo ssebo nkumpa zino sente” to the machine, enough of the greetings, “Jeff it’s been long bro, we need an outing, by the way I now have a girlfriend” that’s where it all began, with a simple phone call from my buddy Kakeeto on a Monday morning.

First I couldn’t believe it that Kakeeto had said girlfriend, you mean you got a new lotion? I joked back and he was like “no we really need to meet bro”, and Saturday was chosen to be the outing date. Choosing a date for an outing wasn’t a problem but the wallet agreeing to the date was the main concern, “Jeff but man I got only 20k with me” kakeeto cried out, as I was trying to reply back to cancel because I was not doing great too, kakeeto interfered me “Jeff by the way my kabird [read girl] will be coming with her friends “ and with that statement, the outing was a yes, the feeling of probably dating one of the friends quickly ran through on my mind.

By Friday, I had gotten some good money and I just couldn’t wait for Saturday, having agreed on Legends as the hangout place, I was there by 6pm. After taking some few clubs while waiting for Kakeeto and crew, I saw some pretty lady seated alone and whatever they put in club beer lied to me that I had to go and try my best in jazzing her, hey anyone seated here [empty chair opposite her seat]? I asked, “NO” she replied, by the way am Jeff, do you mind me joining you here for a drink? I asked, then the reply of all replies [call it a jam] came my way, “I mind, my Beer is on my Bill and please you’re not my type, look for somewhere else to seat and someone to jazz” she replied. I wanted to lose my head but just like Badru Kiggundu, I think no one wanted my head that time. I walked away confused towards the counter [why am I lying to you, towards that door at legends which swings in all directions, call it the toilet], I was too down in that I was about to do a Kakeeto [unbuttoning and urinating in my jeans thinking I had unzipped].

I was scared leaving the toilets thinking that someone nearby would have heard the kabird jamming me, After close to 30 minutes inside the toilets I got back to my mind after I realizing that I couldn’t trace my club beer [couldn’t go back to the table]. I gathered some energy and moved out towards the counter for a new beer, at the counter, I couldn’t believe my eyes, the same kabird who had jammed me was in Kakeeto’s arms, I moved towards them [scared] then found the lady saying “Gwe Kakeeto I had so far taken 4 beers while waiting for you and the friend you told me about, my money sebbo”, I sensed danger and wanted to take off like I had seen the Indian coolies constructing the Uganda Railway, Kakeeto saw me and on introducing me, the lady looked perplexed, I played it cool like nothing had happened earlier, its nice meeting you Cathy I replied after she had greeted me with a face that looked like she wanted to excuse herself to the loos.

After a few minutes of me jazzing Kakeeto, I learnt that he had told the lady to order for drinks as she waited for us and that he was to pay back her money [then I recalled the drinks she told me were on her bills hahahaha], Poor Kakeeto gave her 20K and then whispered in my ears “Jeff leero ntassa otherwise this chic might drink water today, I am left with 10k for transport only], always support a home boy trying to build his CV with no financial experience is what I grew up knowing from our ghettos, I ordered for drinks and as the friends of Kakeeto’s girlfriend came in, I seemed to have forgotten what had happened earlier [pretty bubirds better than Kakeeto’s girlfriend].

Kakeeto kept on pretending like he was making orders and I would labour to go and get the drinks from my own pockets, “Jeff Cathy and the friends want some Chips” Kakeeto said as he pretended to be handing money over to me, I still went and bought chips on my money, but every man has a limit, after Cathy getting high, she again jammed me when Kakeeto excused himself to the loos, “see, you are just my boyfriend’s waiter, you aren’t my type like I had said earlier” I was now feeling so bad that I wanted the ground to take me up.

To make it worse, When Kakeeto joined in after returning from the loos, the chic was like “but Jeff is a certified waiter bae” and Kakeeto was like “true, you can even send him Airtime outside if you want”, that’s when I lost it, but like they say, opportunity comes once in a life time, the other friends happened to find some buddies of theirs and they took off to another hangout and I was left with kakeeto and the girlfriend, I told them we go to the meat roasting place[Pork, Chicken nebila lala] and have something to eat[bills on me] since Kakeeto had ‘brought’ for us a lot of booze, I ordered for 12 sticks of Pork and as Kakeeto and girlfriend started eating, I pretended like I had gotten an urgent call, I then told the meat guy that I was coming back in a few minutes to clear and that he should meanwhile hand them all the sticks[lucky he fell for it ], I headed towards the gate and never looked back, It was like I was from a blind date that had turned out to be a disaster, I switched off my phone and headed to my local bar.

The following morning I learnt that they cleared the bill and it left them with less than 3k both, they had become martyrs because they had to walk 70% of their journey back home, the lady had sent me a thank you message via Kakeeto saying that I should go to hell on foot.

From that day on, I learnt a few things;

  • Never go beyond limits just because someone is your best friend and you expect them to play on.
  • Life is short and what goes around comes around, you might feel special and treat others bad but when the tables turn, you might need them.
  • We all need Love in one way or another.
  • Do not judge someone you don’t know anything about.
  • The toilet is not for only urinating or defecating, it has other small functions.
  • MOTHER NATURE IS MOTHER NATURE.

Until then, the Kakeeto stories continue…..

@andsjeff

COST CUTTING

In most cases, January isn’t a user friendly month as Mr “Wallet” is always utilized in December of the previous year, call it a general trend but it doesn’t affect all people in the same way, It was on Jan 13th that I found my buddy Kakeeto jogging, it was really a big surprise given the Kakeeto I know, “Jeff to the public nsaala weight to be healthy , but between me and you, Am broke, I don’t have transport back home” he said, I wanted to laugh this time round but I wasn’t doing fine via Pocket Lane too.

To make sure that Ends meet throughout January, I and Kakeeto came up with our old tricks of drafting timetables on who to visit during launch and supper time, the first victim was our good friend Muzamiru, at exactly 11am we were at his door knocking with plans of leaving after lunch, 12pm and we saw no signs of a thing called food but we stayed around with hope that maybe Muzamiru always takes his lunch late, I can forget all the breakups/disappointments I have had in my life but I will never forget the disappoint I got at Muzamiru’s apartment, As it clocked towards 1pm, Muzamiru was like “You guys, Am sorry but I don’t have Lunch today, was planning on visiting you guys but you beat me to it, Hope you buy me some food today”, Me and Kakeeto looked surprised that someone would think we had heard Museveni say that his retiring from being the president of Uganda, I imagined the time we had wasted with hope that the midfielders of our stomachs were going to be supplied with something to eat, the worst part was learning that Muzamiru also had a time table and he had already visited 5 victims on our timetables and hit a dead end, our cost cutting game was made difficult by Muzamiru.

The hustle was not going to end like that, Kakeeto came up with plot of us visiting one of his rich uncle for supper, and I can say it was the worst plan ever, Having walked close to 6Km as we did cost cutting, we found the lads summarizing their supper at around 8pm,the thought of us walking back to our places made us even feel more hungry, you see the rich people have a different way of handling their kids when they refuse to eat, “Kenneth clear your cereal and milk if you want daddy to buy you Ice cream and crisps tomorrow” said Kakeeto’s uncle [to the poor this would be; Kenneth clear that Posho or i will beat that big head of yours], “Kenneth don’t worry even if you don’t finish I will buy you Ice Cream and crisps tomorrow” the Poor Kakeeto lied to the Kid as a way of making him leave some cereals on the plate [Kid ate all the Cereal while we looked on in tongues].

Like they say opportunity comes once in a Life time, as we departed his uncle’s place, we decided to pass by some shop and buy some doughnuts, Kakeeto gave the shop keeper a 1K note and the lady gave him back excess balance of UgX9400, I wanted to notify the Lady but Kakeeto gave me the look Steve Harvey put on after misreading miss universe. We walked away from the shop slowly like all was fine, after reaching a corner where the shop keeper couldn’t see us, it was time for the Olympics, We took off like we were running for gold, a chance of being assured of something to eat in the difficult month had come our way, thanks to Musoga Delicious Rolex and Kikomando that we were able to prove that a 4 Layer Kikomando[4 Chapatis] can take you for 2 days without Lunch.

The weekend was the easiest, visiting Kakeeto’s mum sounded like cool to her but to our stomachs it was better news, Assured lunch it was, time came to relax so we decided to go watch TV but little did we know that it was a majority vote for the remote at the Kakeeto’s, Quarreling between siblings was the order of the afternoon as the girls preferred watching Nigerian Movies to the soccer we wanted to watch [the girls won]. “Jeff bano njja kubasobola” Kakeeto whispered to me.  He went to his young brothers room, got a Porn DVD and labelled it with a marker reading “Chukwu the Innocent Prince Part 1, 2 & 3” then secretly placed it near the DVD stand, Kakeeto’s mom joined in and on hearing the young sister saying that they haven’t watched Chukwa the Innocent Prince, Kakeeto said goodbye to the family as we had to continue and watch soccer elsewhere. We later learnt that Nigerian Movies are now approached with caution back at Kakeeto’s home.

 

From that day on, I learnt a few things;

  • Learn to Plan accordingly
  • Making savings is the best way to develop oneself
  • Anything having a label doesn’t necessarily mean that what’s labelled on it is the actual thing inside.
  • Not all People who do Jogging do it for a healthy reason, some do it for Transport cost cutting.
  • Kikomando [4 Chapatis with Beans] can cement the stomach from complaining for a long time.

Until next time, the Kakeeto series continue, the #5AsideLeague returns on Valentine’s Day [14th Feb], feel free to pass by as Kakeeto will be around this time.

Also check for your Votability by following this link http://www.ec.or.ug/search/byid/

Twitter @andsjeff 

CHASING THE RATS

As time goes by, a lot of things change, there are people who are scared of change while others embrace change as it fronts itself, if you’re reading this, am 100% sure you have gone through a change at a particular point X in your life [unless you say you didn’t go through adolescence stage]. Back then we studied about the African Traditional society and there were a lot of things that were done in the African tradition but not present in the western tradition that was fronted to us by the colonialists. Eating chicken back then was seen as a taboo among the woman, it was only men who were allowed to eat chicken [funny ancestors], things have changed since then, these days a lady can eat four buckets of KFC chicken and still tell you that she has no appetite.

 Growing up in a ghetto setup, Life used to be fun, as young kids we were willing to explorer the world in search of greatness, I recall telling my buddy Kakeeto that we could walk till we found the end of the earth, we tried it and ended up in a John Hanning Speke moment [we discovered Lake Victoria haha], coming back home late at night didn’t help but get us a serious whooping by mum while scaring us with what would happen if we moved at night again. We were stubborn kids who wanted to try out anything that came into our minds.

One of the serious scares I have gotten as a kid was that sweeping at night was bad, they used to tell us that demons would come and beat you up in case you swept at night. It was that time of the year that we were done with school and Kakeeto was spending the holiday at home, our parents took long to come back from work and Kakeeto having long fingers, he decided to steal some sugar from the sugar bowl, having heard a big knock on the gate, We knew that mum or dad was back, Kakeeto hurried to put back the sugar bowl in the drawer and in the process some sugar was splashed on the ground, I went to open the gate and it was mum who had gotten back first, on entering the house, she found Kakeeto sweeping [luckily she never noticed that sugar had been splashed].

 The scare began, “didn’t I warn you about sweeping at night, aren’t you scared of demons beating you up?” she asked, by this time Kakeeto nearly urinated in his trousers, personally I was scared of what was going to happen to my friend. The night came and Kakeeto being scared slept off early, on my side sleep couldn’t come so I decided to play night watch, at around 2am, I saw my mum tip toeing into our bedroom and started caning Kakeeto, the little lad just hide his face as he was being caned, The next morning Kakeeto narrated to me of how he was caned by demons the previous night, Knowing that it wasn’t the demons I was like “you know when you sweep at night, they punish you for a week unless you put money on your bed” I said, he rubbished it off and at night, I took my turn, I caned him for two days and on the third day, he gave up and started putting money [50/= *before it lost value it was useful] on the bed. “Gwe Jeff I put a 50/= note last night and the demons didn’t beat me up” he said. I laughed quietly to myself since i was to be rich for a few days, I regret saying one week  though. Where he got the money for the remaining days still remains a mystery to me up to today.

 Forget the sweeping tales, there was the tooth fairy-tale, our parents used to tell us that if one removed a tooth and put it behind a certain door in the house, the rats would give him/her money, having removed a tooth while playing, Kakeeto was so happy that he was going to get money, He got the tooth and put it behind the door as they used to tell us, the next day Kakeeto got 500/= [from the so called rats] he started feeling like the rich kid on the block not until he met jimmy [our neighbors kid] who the rats had given 1000/=, Kakeeto and Jimmy now had control over us, they would direct us to do funny things just because we wanted a share of the eats they had brought using their money from the rats.

A few days later, Kakeeto had removed another tooth, this time he took the tooth behind the door of our neighbors house…… “Mummy I have removed another tooth, I have put it in Jimmy’s house behind the door, waiting for the rats to give me money” he said to mum…. mum looked on like she had seen the Bachwezi return…“why did you put it there?” she asked, In a soft humble voice, Kakeeto replied “mummy the rats in jimmy’s house are rich, they give 1000/= for each tooth while ours give 500/= only” words can’t explain the facial expression that came to mums face after Kakeeto’s reply [she just looked on like she had become dumb], The following morning, Kakeeto woke up early and went to check if the rats had delivered his share but hit a dead end, the tooth was gone and no money was to be seen anywhere. From that day, Kakeeto started inquiring on how to trap rats, He caught one from Jimmy’s house and put it in a blue band tin, he said he wasn’t going to let it go unless it gave him back his tooth or paid him money, He had become the cat in the house in that rats started fearing him by osmosis, with him getting depressed day by day, the rats finally paid him[1000/= behind the door of Jimmy’s house], I guess mum talked to Jimmy’s parents about the situation and thus the rat chase ended. Years later, jimmy told us of how he enjoyed doubling Kakeeto’s tooth money.

From that day, I learnt a few things;

  • Learn to embrace change else change will embrace you.
  • We still need some of the African Traditional stories to tame the kids of this google generation.
  • Understanding the value of money begins when we are kids, spend wisely when you have it.

 Until next time the Kakeeto Stories Continue……….Counting down to the 2nd leg of the #5Aside League in January as the AllBlacks Team gets to tussle it out with teams from the other tent begins.

@andsjeff

CHEATING GONE WRONG

We have all probably experienced cheating in one way or another, the most commonly known cheating is usually in the field of relationships where one party acts like he/she has forgotten that he/she has a commitment to another party. Forget that type we have the cheating in Politics where a candidate can get 20,000 votes at a polling station of 100 voters [because I don’t have bail money, I won’t give an example].

If you’re reading this, I can bet that you’ve probably sat for some exams in your life, that hustle when we go through school and at some point we have to progress to the next level. I happened to go through schools that happened to advocate for partying at the same time reading of books. The order of the day back then was to know how to sing the latest trending music, Thanks to new vision newspaper, it used to have pullouts of songs in its Saturday copies, sparing us the hardships of having to listen to artists speak in tongues [read the hard English]. I recall having mimed “Where is the Love by Black Eyed Peas” with my buddy Kakeeto and to date I still wonder why I didn’t turn out to be a musician.

The awkward moment came towards exam period, having wasted a lot of time having fun during class times, we usually had less than 2 weeks to read for 15 subjects, up to date I still wonder why I had to go into the hardships of reading 15 subjects of which some where really useless to the profession I wanted to pursue back then, but well that’s the education system the colonialists put on us that our current leaders deem good to be changed.

It was that time of the year that UNEB [we used to call it cantab] came calling, having not completed the syllabus of most subjects, the pressure was on both the teachers and the students, and it was now time to separate the sheep from the goats, the first being the Chemistry practical’s, we were all geared up to show what we had learnt [breaking bad moment], the lab was set up and it was time to be checked in, we started our practical’s at exactly 9am, little did we know that we were going to sweat to the extent that someone would think it had rained on us. You know those pipetting practical’s [sorry if you didn’t do any chemistry] it was time to mix chemicals so that a certain color could be gotten [remember answer’s like; when 200ml of X is added to 200ml of Y, Y turns blue bla bla bla], well the question directed us to pipette 200ml of X to 200ml of Y, at first I thought I had done something wrong, having pipetted 200ml of X to Y, nothing happened, I started getting worried, I added another 100ml and nothing changed, another 100ml again and nothing changed, I realized that something was wrong, looking at other students, it was the same, they were all looking like they had been starved for 2 weeks, time was not on our side so most of us ended up faking results [no wonder I failed chemistry]. You see our chemistry teacher was a great drunkard, we later learnt that the man had set up the laboratory equipment while drunk, in the jar that was supposed to contain X chemicals, the guy had put in Y Chemicals and vice versa. I can confirm to you that Usain Bolt isn’t the fastest man on Planet earth, my HI school chemistry teacher is, The man took off at a lightning speed when he saw us approaching him after us knowing the error he had done.

The chemistry practical’s passed, we had come to the fact that we had nothing to change, after other practical’s [at least the remaining went well.] it was now time for the theories, having not completed the syllabus all channels to pass were open for discussion. One student had gotten what he termed as the commerce paper that we were going to sit for [we used to call it Kasasi], asking for Ugsh5k from each student seemed like little money, with  the kasasi I had started imagining my name being on the front page of papers [Jinja’s best wants to become a computer scientist], I was not a dull student, getting the kasasi was like adding sugar to honey, on the other side, my buddy kakeeto was all hyped up of how this was his chance to break the family record [be the best in the family in the Hi School Stage], after getting the kasasi, consultations from the neighboring schools and those in Kampala [read Kitende and company] proved one thing, it was a kasasi on the right track, I still up to date remember all the things I crammed basing on that kasasi. Time to sit for the paper had come, we entered the paper in a good mood, it was the order of the day to start our exams with a short prayer, and the invigilator alarmed us to start at exactly 10am, on opening the paper, all I could see where questions in tongues, it turned out that we had hit blanks

not even a single definition was in the damn paper, I looked behind and realized that my buddy Kakeeto was about to run mad, his eyes had turned white like he had seen the Indian coolies crossing in the exam room. He put up his hand and knowing Kakeeto most of us thought he was going to say that this is not the right paper to the invigilator. The invigilator moved towards kakeeto and in a humble voice asked “What is the Problem young man?” with the silence in the room, even if a needle was to be thrown down, it’s sound could be hard, In a harsh but soft voice Kakeeto replied..” I have forgotten my name sir” we didn’t know whether to laugh or not because we were all screwed.

From that day on, I have learnt a few things;

  • Always be prepared at what comes your way. Having one plan in Life isn’t a good option.
  • You do not know what the future holds ahead, always enjoy the present
  • At times when you most expect certain people to let you down, they tend to act on the right track.

Till next time, Thanks for reading, the Kakeeto series continue, don’t forget to check for your Votabilty by following this link http://ec.or.ug/register/

GOD Bless You All.

-At times when you most expect certain people to let you down, they tend to act on the right track.

Till next time, Thanks for reading, the Kakeeto series continue, don’t forget to check for your Votabilty by following this link http://ec.or.ug/register/

GOD Bless You All.